Twilight: Abridged
by the.amazing.platypus
Summary: Follow a plain, clumsy, horribly boring girl named Bella on a journey filled with suspense, love, adventure, and lots of sparkles.


Once upon a time, in a dark, rainy, horribly boring town called Forks, there lived a plain, clumsy, horribly boring girl named Bella Swan. Bella had pale, paper white skin and long, dull brown hair. She had boring brown eyes that lacked sparkle and depth, large, rough man hands, and a toothy, lopsided grin. She lived with her father, Charlie, a tall policeman with a spectacular mustache.

One day, whilst slouching unattractively in her desk at school, Bella watched as a tall, rugged, sandy haired boy entered the classroom. As a cheap fan swiveled and blew Bella's stank in his direction, his gaze fell upon her. Immediately, his eyes widened and his nostrils flared. He looked as though either he was falling madly in love or his nose had just been assaulted with the scent of feces. Really, it could go either way.

The boy ceased his staring when the teacher cleared his throat. "Class," he said monotonously, "we have a new student. His name is Edward. Enjoy him."

Edward sat down next to Bella as an awkward silence fell over the room. She turned her dull brown eyes upon him and gasped. He had ashen skin that appeared sickly grey in the present lighting. He had harsh, angular bone structure and a tightly clenched jaw. His widened eyes were the color of mustard, and he held a bony, perfectly manicured hand over his nose. Bella's growing mental problems caused her to believe he was attractive.

Edward turned to look at her, his hand still pressed against his nose. She knew exactly what was wrong. "It's okay," she told him, patting his arm. He flinched. "I understand. Go ahead and sneeze."

The next week, after Edward had mysteriously disappeared, he mysteriously reappeared and sat beside Bella in class again. He introduced himself, and she was enchanted by his corpse-like features.

The days went by, and somewhere along the way they started dating. He introduced her to his pale, incestuous family, saved her from a black guy in a minivan, and somehow they ended up in the forest together.

Bella looked up at her boyfriend and thought (!). She thought about how he looked like a zombie, how he never ate, and how he never came outside in the sunlight. None of these things connected in her mind, but she vaguely remembered her hairy Native American friend Jacob telling her things about Edward. "I know what you are," she told him.

He stared at her, waiting for her to continue. "Say it."

No response.

"Out loud!" he demanded.

"Vampire."

"Bingo!" he replied, giving her a high five.

She then proceeded to ask him a million and six questions about his vampirism. "How come you don't go out in the sun? Do you, like, burn really easily?"

"Um…no. But I can show you what happens to me." And then he hoisted her ever so romantically onto his back and ran like the wind, Bullseye. He stopped at a huge, grassy meadow and dropped her unceremoniously from his back.

"Go out in the meadow and wait for me," Edward told her. "I'm not ready yet."

Bella nodded and traipsed through the grass, plopping herself down beneath a tree. Across the meadow, Edward pulled his hot pink iPod and speakers from his man purse. As soon as he pressed play, the meadow was filled with Beyoncé's "Single Ladies".

Edward strutted through the meadow, unbuttoning his shirt as he went. After the initial shock of seeing Edward's generous amount of chest hair, Bella realized that he was sparkling. "Oh em gee, that is, like, so hot!" she exclaimed.

As the song ended, Edward struck a diva pose and smiled with his brilliant, razor sharp teeth…fangs…whatever. "So, obviously, I am a terrible, dangerous, horrific creature," he said.

"Sure."

"Are you afraid?"

"Oh, yes," Bella said seriously. "You kind of suck at the whole scary vampire thing, but I'm severely homophobic and deathly afraid of black people. So the sparkles and Beyoncé…frightening."

Edward shrugged. "I'll take that."

"Hey, Edward?"

"Yes?"

"I know I haven't known you for very long…at all…but…I love you," Bella told him.

"I love you too," he replied.

"Cool."

After a bunch of boring stuff no one remembers, more vampires came to Forks. Except these vampires were actually legit evil. James, the eternally shirtless leader, thought Bella smelled awesome and wanted to eat her. So the Cullens sent her to a hotel in Phoenix with Alice and Jasper, Edward's brother and sister who were married to each other. (The Cullens were a very…friendly family.)

One day, the phone rang and Bella answered.

"Hello?" she said in her manly monotone.

"Hi. It's James."

"Oh," she said casually. "Hi."

"So, I'm at this dance studio, and I've got your mom here—"

"Oh noes!" Bella exclaimed. "I'll save you, mommy!" She hung up.

She walked into another room and saw Alice and Jasper…coloring?

"Um…"

"Oh, hi, Bella," said Alice. "I just had a vision of this room somewhere, so I'm drawing it." She continued drawing for a little longer. "There. Done." She held it up for Bella to see.

Bella gasped. "The mirrors…the barres…it must be the dance studio I used to take classes in! Because no other dance studios look like this, with mirrors and ballet barres." She immediately rushed out of the hotel, screaming, "I'm coming, mommy!"

When she reached the studio, her mother was not there, but James was. "Hello," he said, smiling creepily and holding a video camera.

"Um…am I being, like, Punk'd or something?" she asked, eyeing the video camera in his hand.

James chuckled. "Oh no, I just enjoy filming the people I kill."

Bella raised her eyebrows. "Sure."

He sighed. "Okay, okay. I'm making a horror movie. It's gonna be epic! So could you just shut up so I can kill you? 'Cause I've gotta edit this thing…"

Edward and his family crashed into the dance studio to find Bella bruised and broken in a corner, James standing over her and grinning creepily, and…a video camera on a tripod.

James lunged toward Bella, shouting, "OM NOM NOM!" as he sank his sharp, pointed teeth into the flesh of her hand. She screamed at a pitch no one thought her manly, low voice could reach.

Edward attacked James, while the rest of the Cullens built a huge, blazing bonfire. He ripped James' head off and tossed his body into the flames. He then joined his family in a tribal dance around the fire. They all shouted, "Shark bate ooh-ha-ha!"

A few minutes later, they remembered the dying girl in the corner of the room. Edward sucked the essence of James out of her hand and they all went back to Forks…

…Just in time for the spring dance! Edward and Bella danced together the whole night. When the dance was over, Edward whispered, "I could change you right now. You could be a vampire and we could live happily ever after."

Bella looked up at him, her eyes hopeful. "Really?"

"Nah. I mean, I would, but we can draw this out for at least three more books. Don't worry, it'll happen. Eventually."

Bella was chagrinned.


End file.
